Alice in Search of Wonderland

2010-05-05T15:25:00.001+10:00

imma kwl

Obscured

2008-05-22T11:08:00.000+10:00

“As the rain hides the stars, as the autumn mist hides the hills, happenings of my lot hide the shining of thy face from me.
Yet, if I may hold thy hand in the darkness it is enough.
Since I know that, though I may stumble in my going, thou dost not fall”

Alexander Carmichael
Carmina Gadelica

Can I just say...

2008-05-08T18:30:00.004+10:00

Can I just say...I am over the whole institutional attractional church model?

Can I just say...I am over programs, models, church-growth principles and all the endless paraphanalia generated by the enterprise driven church?

Can I just say...I am over how complicated we have made church and how we require ourselves and others to engage with God and one another? I want simple expressions of "loving God, loving others and making disciples."

Can I just say... I am over the whole organisation thing and suspect that the Kingdom of God is much more like an organism?

Can I just say... I am on a journey. I have more questions than answers. I am decontructing, rethinking and reimagining. So much of what I have known to be "true" has been stripped away, leaving me with little more than Jesus.

It is to Jesus that I cling.

Home

2007-10-28T16:15:00.000+11:00

What an amazing journey! But finally, we are... home.

Having just completed our 3rd move in 4 years and now back in a house where we are paying our mortgage and not someone else's, it really feels like home.

The last few months have been madness! Some of it we have done well...some not so well, but it appears to have come together for now. Communicating with tradesmen, utilities, council, the building company at the same time as packing and cleaning and generally maintaining a day to day routine of work and school for our family has kept us on our toes.

One of the most special moments we had was the night when we first got our keys and we bought pizza and came and sat upstairs on our balcony, drinking in the view over the floodplains to the mountains in the distance as the sun set. It seemed so surreal after almost a year of planning and seeing this house take shape over the months that we were finally enjoying a meal in it.

In the week after we got the keys, we had appliances installed, carpet laid, windows measured for blinds and curtains and we moved out of our rented house. It still seemd so surreal that what we had imagined in our minds for so long was now a day to day reality and we have begun to make our lives here.

There is still much to do, a workshop/shed for my husband and his Mini is half completed. A pool will go in next month (hopefully ready by Christmas!) and retaining walls and general landscaping to keep us busy for the next 10 years! It's all good though. A brilliant feeling to be ... home.

Equipped.

2007-08-18T07:44:00.000+10:00

It's 6pm.

A forequarter of pork has been slow roasting since this morning. The house is filled with the aroma of fennel and garlic mixed with the pork and the usual sounds of mad activity that seems to be the trademark of our family life at the moment. There are dancing lessons to get to and from and homework to moan about and oh...did I mention that my son is bringing home his girlfriend to share a meal with us for the first time?

First girlfriend, first meeting...it all seems a bit surreal from a mother's perspective! I worry about all the usual things and then decide that the best approach is to stop worrying and just jump in and get on with it.

It does indeed seem surreal, just reflecting on the last 19 years. It is not an understatement to say that it has flown by. I know that stepping out into the world of girlfriends seemed unimaginable at the moment of his birth, but now I know that this is a significant part of being raised to be an adult. Much and all as I have enjoyed the process and privilege of being a mother, I have also known that is really not about me. My responsiblity has been to raise him to be as equipped as possible to make it in the world. I hope that I have done that - although, I am sure that it never stops! To see him stepping out in more and more of these areas of adult responsibilty is awesome!

My initial worrying is for nothing. She is a lovely young lady and our dinner goes well. We will see where this all leads to, but at least for now, they make a great couple.

I can't help but wonder though, how I will feel when we get around to doing this for my youngest daughter. I hope I can be just as excited!

Faux pas...

2007-08-13T11:53:00.000+10:00

"Mum...you know back in the olden days..."
"mmm..." I brace myself for whatever might be on its way
"...when you were a little girl..."
"Well, I don't think that was really quite the olden days sweetheart", I maintain perfect outward compsure whilst my inner 17 year old quietly chokes on the bones of impending reality.
"yeah, you know... when you were little... BEFORE THEY HAD CARS?..."

I am looking straight down the barrel of my 40th birthday. I consider all the things that have changed around me in my life's journey. Transport has indeed come a long way as has technology, house size, family size, working conditions and practices as well as how we connect with one another.

It seems unbelievable, however, that my daughter's understanding of time before she was born would lump my existance along with a world without cars. I am scared to wonder what else I might have had to struggle without in her mind.

While I am positive that it wasn't really the 'olden days', It does seem 3 lifetimes away to remember our family vehicle...the orange (but rather like a baby poo) coloured Kombi!!! The original loser cruiser...

I think also about maybe taking the opportunity to posthumously apologise to my mother for similar insensitive questions probing for answers about life before electricity and wondering whether, since her birthday was just before Christmas, she was indeed born B.C. or A.D.

Coming to terms...

2007-01-24T16:11:00.000+11:00

It has been 6 months since my Dad passed away.

It doesn't seem possible, I still remember so many little details. I remember his gentle smile. I remember the way his dentures slopped around in his mouth because they no longer fitted snugly. I even remember his smell.

For a number of years, I hadn't seen nearly as much of Dad as I would have liked to have. The fact that I lived 2 hours drive away and still with young children made regular visits difficult. When we sold the family house after Mum died, Dad moved into a retirement village. He was still very active and independant and he set about creating a life within his new community. We always caught up at regular family get togethers and we often talked on the phone, but "popping in" to visit unfortunately wasn't practical. The children always enjoyed visiting when we did though as there were always sure to be an abundance of chocolate coated icecreams in the freezer that Grandad was eager to share! He ate dinner in the dining room 4 nights a week, but my sisters and I long suspected that his diet all the rest of the time consisted pretty much of chocolate, icecreams and softdrinks. We figured though that if you managed to get to your late eighties, you certainly earned the opportunity to whatever diet you want!!!

Dad moved just before his 90th birthday into a hostel. He had been steadily deteriorating and was unable to care for himself as he had previously been able. The hostel administered all his medication and provided all his meals. He loved his room there, commenting how comfortable it was pretty much every time I visited. The hostel was an hour closer to me and so was much easier to get to and with all the kids at school now, I was able to visit far more often. He settled into life well there although he often bemoaned the fact that he couldn't just hop on a bus to go to the shops. He was however extremely well looked after.

His memory had now begun to significantly deteriorate and often when I visited, he would know that he knew me but often had trouble placing where I fitted. We had taken a photo of all the family together at his 90th Birthday and would have to point myself out in the photo. Sometimes in the course of an hour, he would work out who I was no less than 3 separate times! Although it was extremely fustrating for him and quite surreal for me, I was never in any doubt of the love that he had for his family. His wall and coffee table were covered with photos from through the years and even if he couldn't always remember who they all were, he knew that they were all people that he loved and had loved him.

Our last Christmas together was so precious. Things were a little different, we had to provide everyone with name tags so that Dad always knew who he was talking to. There was much to celebrate, not only Christmas and our family but within that, the birth of a new Grandchild in early December. Dad did well in the morning but after lunch became dreadfully disorientated and couldn't recall where he was or even where he had come from. As alarming as all that was, I am so grateful to have been able to celebrate our last Christmas together.

The end came, in the scheme of things, quite quickly. 2 weeks after he was admitted to hospital, he passed away. A couple of days after he had been admitted, all my sisters and I managed to get there all at the same time and we, all dressed in hospital gowns and gloves for infection control, sat with Dad and had a great time. He was still concious then and although bemused clearly enjoyed having such a devoted audience. It was several days after that that he began to progressively slip into unconciousness. I made the hard decision to take my 2 daughters to see him probably for the last time. I talked at length to them and explained what to expect that Grandad would look like and they really wanted to see him. It was heart breaking watching them say goodbye. My son had been to see him also and had a hard time saying goodbye as well.

I travelled to see Dad every day in that last week. I was preparing to drive down yet another time when I called my sister who I knew was sitting with him to see how he was doing. She indicated that it might be worth coming down sooner rather than later as his breathing was extremely rattly and shallow. I quickly called my other sisters giving them the option of coming as well. We all managed to get there. We sat together with Dad for a couple of hours, but his breathing seemed to have improved a little, so we figured that we would get a coffee before we took off. We found the cafeteria and ordered coffee and chocolate coated icecreams (Just for Dad!) and sat in the waiting room until we had finished these. Wanting to say goodbye to Dad before we left, we made our way back to his room to discover him drawing his final breaths It was all over...I am so glad that we were there together for him (and for us). It was 3 weeks before he was to turn 92.

Words can't seem to express how much I miss him. I was privileged to present half of the eulogy at his funeral and have had some wondeful opportunities to reflect on his life since. He was truly a remarkable man. It is often said that what you see in your Dad has a profound effect on how you see God. That is true for me, I see God as loving me unconditionally, incredibly patient and unquestionably faithful.

I stood at the grave site of my Dad and Mum the other day. It was the first time that I had been there since Dad's funeral and I had wanted to see the plaque that had been placed and take a quiet moment to process the last 6 months. I realise there is still a lot of raw emotion that needs to be processed, but I know that I am travelling the road. There seemed to be a perfect balance struck as I left the cemetary to visit my sister in hospital and celebrate the arrival several hours earlier of my parents' final grandson.

And so this is Christmas...

2006-12-10T21:02:00.000+11:00

I was watching television a couple of weeks ago and the program that I was watching invited various celebrities to share their tips for surviving “The silly Season”. Amongst a number of tips that involved consuming copious amounts of alcohol, one gentleman had what was for me a diamond in the rough!

His tip for surviving Christmas is to get right into it!

As I reflected on my Christmas’s over the past years, I realised that the temptation to fight Christmas probably took more energy and emotion than really engaging it. I know that there have been times when I have allowed resentment to grow over the expectations that I had on myself and the extra activities that were always around for Christmas.

I had often (not always) seen Christmas as an obligation rather than an opportunity.

Now, my December (like many others) is packed to the rafters. There are cards to write, gifts to shop for, parties to go, many, many end of year school activities that not only require a time commitment but of course money as well, frantically trying to catch up with colleagues, friends and neighbours, Christmas lunch to plan and the list goes on.

In a quiet moment the other day, I suddenly realised that at a time when we celebrate the gift of a baby child, I had so much more from God that I could also celebrate and be thankful for.

The fact that I have Christmas Cards that I write means that I have been incredibly blessed with family and friends.

I am thankful for the opportunity of getting together with those that I have “done life with” over the past 12 months, whether that is work, our neighbours or our family.

And although this is my first Christmas to navigate with neither of my parents, I have been incredibly blessed with 3 sisters who are strong, kind and quite frankly, blunt! I can’t wait to get together with them and their families on Boxing Day.

So, this Christmas, I am jumping in boots and all!
After all, that is what Jesus did for me.

A Beautiful Thought.

2006-06-30T16:16:00.000+10:00

Better by far you should forget and smile, Than that you should remember and be sad. - Christina Rossetti

The march of progress

2006-04-22T12:21:00.000+10:00

Wow, three posts in one week!!

I had an excellent day yesterday, packed full of shopping, lunching and one or two surprises. I suppose that upon reflection, it was a day that brought home just how much of a constant change is. I quite like change in fact I thrive on it particularly when I am in amongst it. I tend not to be a person who wishes for 'the good old days' (mostly because I am fairly convinced that they weren't really that good, somehow we just manage to sanitise our memories of them!).

After dropping of the children and driving 2 hours, I arrived at the shopping centre that I was to meet my friend for lunch. It was the local shopping centre when I was growing up and over the years I had watched it grow and change and I even spend some fabulous years working at one of the banks there. I knew it like the back of my hand. However, it would seem that the change has happened without me for I was first greeted when going up the ramp to one of the parking areas with a boom gate which indicated that parking was no longer free. The mall bore little resemblance to what I remembered. After a while I was able to get my bearings and work out a little more how it all fitted together but all of a sudden 9 years seemed like 3 lifetimes!

I also (embarressingly!) wasn't able to instantly recognise my friend that I was meeting because it also had been 9 years since we had seen each other, but despite the outward changes in both of us it was wonderful to reconnect and celebrate what was happening for both of us now. The hour just flew and we have agreed that we simply must do it again sometime.

Having shopped and worn myself out, I planned to start heading home but just quickly via a few landmarks from earlier days. I drove past my high school and was quite startled at how big the trees were now. I then drove up the the suburb in which I grew up; so many new houses built in the place of the traditional bungalows that once were the hallmark of this beautiful place. As I drove past, I again was hit by the march of progress. That still did not prepare me for the sight of the house that I grew up in surrounded by a construction fence a seemingly in the process of being demolished! It is quite a shock to see something that has been so constant undergoing a process that will render it never to be the same again. Although I obviously have no legal stake in the house, the emotional stake is huge and while time and change march on, it is with considerable sadness that I reconcile the reality that I can never go back.

Holidays

2006-04-19T08:21:00.000+10:00

We are fully into school holiday mode now with the long awaited opportunity to sleep a little longer in the morning. How is it though that trying to drag kids out of bed on a school morning is like fighting a losing battle with pleas of "just 5 more miniutes" (for half an hour!) but come the holidays, they are up and bouncing around the house at sun up? It is nice though to dispense with the morning routine for a little bit. It was such a relief yesterday that I only had to get myself out the door to work, not have to ensure everyone else was ready to go when it was time.

This morning, my girlfriend (and someone that my girls would see as an alternate mum!) has booked her kids and mine into an Art Walk in our town centre that takes in the opportunity to introduce kids to landscape drawing. Apparently they get to go and sit by the local river and have a go at drawing! Sounds fantastic and my elder daughter in particular will love it...she's very arty and creative!

And that leaves me with a whole morning by myself!! The time that I have by myself now is extremely limited so this will be a great opportunity to just catch up with myself a little...so much has happened/is happening thatI would love just to process a little more in peace and quiet!!

And that's not all - on Friday, I have a whole day by myself. I am going to spend it in Sydney and have lunch with a friend that I haven't seen in years. I am really looking forward to it, but also looking forward to the alone time as well...A WHOLE DAY!!!!!!

"It is what we make out of what we have, not what we are given, that separates one person from another."
Nelson Mandela

Feeling Good

2006-04-17T10:30:00.000+10:00

It’s a new dawn
It’s a new day
It’s a new life
For me
And I’m feeling good
- Nina Simone

There is such great 'new' happening!

Having navigated our way through another Easter season with all the good, the bad and the downright ugly (the amount of chocolate that my kids can put way never ceases to astound!) it amazes me that the core message of Easter - sacrifice, forgiveness, victory and a new beginning can still knock me for six. This weekend, like most other Easter weekends over the years has given me the opportunity to put back into perspective a little more why I am here and doing what I am doing. God's amazing grace, infinite patience and unconditional love for me is my inspiration...all I have and all I am.

I am excited about the opportunity to expand and develop our coaching team within our local church. There is so much 'new' happening there as well. God is taking us on an incredible (but often scary) journey about how church should be not only in the 21st century but also in the community in which we live. For me, it often feels like exploring off the map; coming from a reasonably churched background, it can be hard to get my head around paradigm shifts. But I love to dream and my imagination catches glimpses of what could be and that is often my motivation: there is always more to be explored. Coaching is a key element of where we are going. It is as we challenge each other with accountability and discipleship and build community around us (not just within the church community) that is built on the values of love, value and acceptance that on our journeys together we will rise and make that significant difference that the church has hungered for for so long.

There is a lot of new but I also have a sense of being heavily pregnant with birth quite imminent...just that sense of excitement but having to wait, the anticipation not only of the arrival but the pain and sometimes the uncertainty that accompanies the delivery. And the unknown of what lies ahead, twin feelings of excitement and trepidation.

I am looking forward to our family holiday in two weeks time. It will again be a great opportunity to relax, hang out together, have fun and celebrate our family. It will be our last holiday for about 18 months as we then hope to have a big overseas holiday (our first ever!!). This holiday has turned out to be very timely as I have a sense that on our return, it will really be a matter of hitting the ground running.

In the words of Nina Simone's song (that I just LOVE Michael Buble singing),

And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
For me

I'm feeling good...

For posterity...

2005-12-21T17:41:00.000+11:00

this is a presentation that I will make to our senior leadership community this evening. I have only used 1st initials of people's names for obvious privacy reasons!

My primary ministry area is coaching. It is a role that I am very passionate about and God has blessed and developed me incredibly through the privilege of walking with others as they discover God’s dream for their own lives and seek to develop their own ministries within that context.

I currently coach the leaders of 6 groups who have about 52 group members between them. I have an apprentice coach and I also coach a couple of other people as well. The coaching relationships with each of these leaders vary greatly because a coaching relationship is very much defined by the person being coached rather than the coach. One of the fundamental principles of what we call coaching here at our church is that coaching is not about telling people what they should do. It is about discovering what the leaders themselves want to do and then supporting them as they put wheels on it. What this means is that some people will want to work very closely with their coach to grow and develop their character and their ministry while others don’t see the necessity for that kind of relationship for quite a few different reasons. So, part of my role is to work out how I can best support and empower these leaders without imposing a ready made formula on their roles.

The process for working with a leader (or anyone for that matter) to discover what they want to do is multifaceted. It often involves, to start of with, discovering how God has wired them up…looking for clues about passion and giftedness (both natural and Spiritual Gifts). It is surprising how many people are completely at a loss to answer “What are you passionate about?” Sometimes, I think that we are so busy doing the things that we expect of ourselves as adults – work, parenting and grand parenting, Church, community groups, running a household that the incredibly unique things that God created in us are pushed so far down that they can no longer be easily found or identified. The Psalmist says

For you created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

`It is a significant part of My passion to find the “fearfully and wonderfully made” part to people’s lives and then encourage, equip and empower them to live it out.

Another important aspect to coaching is the understanding that at least initially “Who we are” is far more significant than “What we do”. Some of you would have come to the Wayne Cordeiro conference at Castle Hill some years ago. The conference was on leadership development and one of the things that he tackled was the tension between “Being” and “Doing”. Both of these are important to function fully in what God has called you into. To “Be” and not “Do” is pretty useless and we can all I am sure recall examples of those people who were out there “Doing” but aspects of who they were were morally or ethically corrupt. My personal conviction is that what we do in our lives must come from a powerbase of integrity and personal responsibility as well as , most importantly, a vibrant and dynamic relationship with God. If we get the “Being” sorted, then the “doing” will much more easily fall into place. So coaching has to take into account both of these in order to develop effective leaders.
Coaching is very much about being curious. It is about asking, not telling. It is about being curious about what the Holy Spirit is doing. I must confess that I am constantly surprised (in a good way) about the things that God is putting on peoples hearts. Surprised because at least from where I sit, sometimes they come out of left field; but the beauty of coaching is that I understand that what God is doing in say Paul’s life can look absolutely nothing like what he is doing in my life but that doesn’t impair my ability to coach him through it. Again, it’s not about a ready made formula, it’s about allowing the Holy Spirit the freedom to move. I am excited to see the way the Holy Spirit has moved in M and S’s hearts to reach out to those in the Women’s refuge. And in R’s heart to initiate K’s fundraising appeal. To hear C's heart for Coonamble in Western NSW and see the Holy Spirit move T’s heart for the single dads of our community. It is amazing what you discover through being curious! Coaching constantly challenges my thinking and assumptions (again in a good way). In so many ways, it’s thinking and operating outside of the square.

At one of our coach’s huddles, A reminded us that when she is asked what she does as a coach particularly at her work, she is able to say that she believes that God has placed success and excellence in everyone. As a coach, she coaches for success and excellence. I believe that it is easy, particularly in these busy times to merely “achieve outcomes” or even to just get in the ball park there somewhere. I am challenged again and again that that is not God’s best for me or those I work with. I want to be part of discovering that success and excellence not just to merely achieve outcomes (unless of course they are God’s outcomes! Then, of course, I would be very excited to be part of that).

Coaching is full of exciting possibilities. It also has it’s moments of utter despair – it is crushing to watch people make choices that effectively turn them from God. It can be hard for me, not the world’s most patient person, to encourage patience in someone who can’t wait! Or to be able to help someone to see beyond hurt and conflict that they are struggling with as they strive to remain faithful to what God has called them to. However, the challenge is to remember that as always, this is God’s Kingdom. I have seen some of those who have turned from God return by God’s grace and I have been blessed again and again has God has developed patience not only in someone that I have coached but strangely enough, in me also! We have a mighty and powerful God!

Just finally, I want to be able to say confidently that at this time, I believe that I am living out God’s calling for my life and I feel incredibly grateful and privileged that he has brought me (very patiently I may add) to where I am today. However, I also want to thank those that have walked with me along the way and have given me this opportunity to live out God’s dream for me. I particularly want to acknowledge G and also S for their wisdom, insight and encouragement. I also want to thank all you guys for your encouragement and love – it is a privilege and an honour to work together with you!

Well, there you go!

2005-11-26T16:56:00.000+11:00

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	8.2
Mind:	8
Body:	6.3
Spirit:	9.2
Friends/Family:	7.7
Love:	9.1
Finance:	8.6
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

Thanks Mal for the thought! (http://maljam2.blogspot.com/)

Wistful

2005-10-21T07:20:00.000+10:00

My favorite love poem...

He Wishes for the Cloths of Heaven

Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

W.B. YEATS

Unleashed

2005-08-23T09:22:00.000+10:00

I am prone to often forget that it's not all about me.

Or even when it is about me, too often I see problems instead of opportunities. I get bogged down in little day to day dramas forgetting the big picture.

For the last several months, I have found myself in a place where even despite my best intentions, I have merely been treading water; attending to the necessary and urgent but unable to break through into what something inside me knows I have been created for - not merely to do life, but to live and squeeze every last drop out of it!

Part of the way the God has put me together and wired me up is that I begin to get really excited when I see others starting to dream and understand how God has put them together! As they discover and imagine that God created them so uniquely and wonderfully with a purpose within His Kingdom that only they can fulfil, that is when I really start living - being in a community of people who are willing to see a bigger picture, having the opportunity to speak into others' lives, affirming the incredible uniqueness that they have been created with and seeing that potential unleashed.

I love walking with others through that process! And it starts right where I am now with my husband and kids - it's with great sadness that I see those out giving their best to everyone except their own family who surely need it and deserve it first and foremost.

You know, (as I refect on the words on Erwin McManus), it would seem to me that for too long the Church has been more about standardizing, conforming and institutionalising those who they reach but I truly believe that if the Church today is to be relevant, vibrant and dynamic, we really need to be unleashing those in our community to be who God created them to be.

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made." - Psalm 139: 13-14

Am I? Really?

Well then...

Dad

2005-08-17T15:28:00.000+10:00

This weekend just passed, we celebrated my Dad's birthday.

He turned 91.

My Dad is without doubt one of the most wonderful and influential men that I know. At least in my life, and I would daresay others would put their hands up as well.

Clearly at 91, he has been around a long time. Around before computers, televisions, ATM's, fast food restaurants, moonwalks, communism and the pill. He was around before not only the United Nations, but also the League of Nations. His father fought in World War 1, my Dad in the artillery in World War 2. He worked as an errand boy for a stockbroking firm at the time of the 1928 stock market crash and watched the Sydney Harbour Bridge being built as he travelled to work each day. He even played in a band marching across the Harbour Bridge on the day it was officially opened.

His experience of life is immense. He has raised 7 children and now has 12 (nearly 13) gandchildren. Having no formal qualifications, he has turned his hand to just about everything from clerk to security guard.

He is a wise man who often prefers the simple things of life. Like chocolate. Or the odd drop of Scotch. And chocolate. The ABC 7pm news (because you haven't heard the proper news until it's been on the ABC!) followed of course by the 7.30 Report. Good friends. And of course chocolate.

One of the things that I find most inspirational about my Dad is that he truly doesn't have a bad word to say about anyone. He seems to be the least judgmental person that I know and I think that that must be one of his secrets to doing so well at 91. He just doesn't get caught up in all that crap and he just loves to be around people.

I am privileged to have such a wonderful and gentle man as my father. He has taught me the value of dignity and integrity and how to enjoy the simple things. He also takes so much pride and satisfaction in being around his children and grandchildren, it is inspirational to observe and enjoy.

Thanks Dad! I love you.

A Crash of Rhinoceros

2005-08-11T07:54:00.000+10:00

I learned something new last week.

And then I was inspired.

I am known for hording useless pieces of trivia and one of the things that I take a reasonable amount of pride in recalling is what different groups of animals are called...A Pride of Lions, A Flock of Birds, A Murder of Crows, A School of Fish But never in my entire existance had I even considered what a group of Rhinerceros are called let alone known it!

Rhinos are amazing creatures. Despite their cumbersome appearance, I am told that they can reach speeds of 30 miles an hour! Can you believe that? Apparently the humble squirrel can only manage 26 miles an hour.

Now, if that wasn't scary enough - the thought of a group of Rhinoerceros charging at 30 mph, here's the really scary thing... they can only see 30 ft in front of them! Imagine that much speed with such limited vision. I guess it is up to whatever is at 31 ft to get out of the way!

As I digested this information, listening to a particularly dynamic and engaging speaker casting irresistable vision, I was challenged by some very real issues that I knew needed some paradigm shifting.

The speaker was Erwin McManus and he is the senior leader of a Christian Community in East LA called Mosaic. He painted a very different picture of the church to the one we are most familiar with now. Rather than an institution that clung to traditions, was resistant to change and becoming more and more irrelevant to the society in which we live, he challenged us to imagine a vibrant and passionate community of Christians travelling like those Rhinos - that even though we can't always see too far in front of us, our momentum (now there's a word not usually associated with the Chruch!) would be so irresistable that people couldn't help but see us coming.

On a personal level, I was inspired by two qualities that I believe will help build my own momentum and impact those I interact with. I want my life to be marked by optimism and generosity.

I know how much negativity and pessimism can slow you down and you even before you know it find yourself in a pit, struggling to go anywhere. I don't want that. I want to Choose to be optimistic in any situation. Not that I think it will be easy, rather it is often the more difficult way because I will need to make the choice to go against the flow of what so often comes naturally particularly if I am in the company of those who are negative or pessimistic. I want to be able to see the good in those around me, to unleash rather than to institutionalise the wonderful qualities that God created us with. I am convinced that optimism generates momentum.

And generosity - not just with money, but with my time, my words and my efforts. I have found that there are opportunities every day to be generous. To my husband, to my children, to my next door neighbour and the girl at the checkout, in my workplace. When I have been blessed with so much abundance (husband, children, neighbours, work, etc) it seems selfish and stingy not to pass it on! Again, generosity is a choice that I have to make over and over again.

So as the momentum gathers and we head off on this great adventure where I know there will be lots of good and not so good, ups and downs. conviction and confusion, I will be forever inspired by those Rhinos.

A group of Rhinos is called a crash!

Alone

2005-07-15T13:39:00.000+10:00

Sometimes, I have a sense of complete lonliness. A disconnection with all those that are surrounding me, being busy; those looking for my time and attention. I am engaged and yet profoundly disconnected.

Strangely, this isn't a bad feeling. I could not bear this to be my only existance, but at the moment it is a time of retreat.

I feel quite overwhelmed with many aspects of life at the moment. It is as if I am standing alone in the midst of a mass of trees that I can barely see the tops of and just being overwhelmed with the immensity of my surroundings compared to who I am. I am humbled, overwhelmed and scared all at the same time.

I am not depressed but I do find it hard to turn my attention to the myriad of clamouring voices. It is easier to ignore them, but then I have to fight the sense of inadequacy that whispers in my ear. It is probably cloeser to Burn Out.

This will pass.

It's all good

2005-06-23T16:11:00.000+10:00

I haven't blogged for a bit - life is good but flat out at the moment. Today has been absolutely freezing, the coldest I remember for quite some time...it was 10 degrees in the middle of the day! There has been snow on the mountain range nearby.

I adore the cold, I love rugging up and feeling the icy wind on my face. I feel so alive. Now all I need is an open fire and a glass of red...

I had to laugh at my youngest daughter who I heard singing "What About Me?" recorded recently by Shannon Noll, but REALLY (originally) sung by Moving Pictures. I couldn't contain myself when I heard that climax line "...but you just take more than you give" rendered "...you just took my brand new gift"! It was priceless! And she was so sincere. I also recalled some other memorable mixups such as "...better watch out for the stringbeans" (Skin deeps) and the classic which has also recently been rereleased "Alex the Seal" (Our lips are sealed).

I am looking forward to school holidays soon. It is wonderful to not have the morning rush and inevitable arguments and tears as shoes and socks and hats that have seemingly disappeared into oblivion are sought out and seemingly appear again right at the last minute in of all places...right where they were taken off! Fancy...

School holidays will be a good chance for the kids to rest and get well again after struggling with colds and all and also probably spend some time with their grandparents.

I came across this quote today and I think I like it...
Happiness is a way station between too much and too little. - Channing Pollock

Sitting Back and Relaxing

2005-06-15T09:46:00.000+10:00

Last weekend was awesome. Actually the last couple of weeks have been just great. The kids are doing well, the house is looking great and you would not believe how much cooking I have done!

There seems to have been a nice flow to my life - I have some good momentum going and I am keeping up without stressing out!

I actually work really well under pressure. At work, I can thrive on the adrenalin of meeting a deadline and often I feel more in control when things are at a frantic pace. I am a results driven person and so there is an intrinsic need to achieve within me. It is only now though that I am starting to have the confidence to achieve the same outcomes but at a slower pace. And because I don't crash and burn when it's all done, I can actually keep on going and achieve more!

I love to cook. I love the idea of baking days. I even occaisionally indulge in them and I love the feeling of productivity that goes along with it. I hate it when I fall into the trap of being to busy - it is just an illusion. I can fill my life up with so many things and be pulled in so many directions by so many demands that I forget to stop and ask, "Do I really need to be doing this?"

So back to cooking, I had a great cooking long weekend. The kids helped and we made bread, biscuits, cakes, soup a roast chicken lunch for friends that came over and some other meals as well. It was very economical and much healthier for the kids than filling up on all the convenience type food and snacks that are full of additives and preservatives.

So even though I had a full on weekend cooking, cleaning, having kids sleep over and entertaining, I feel relaxed and in control. The most pressure that I feel is the pressure that I put on myself, I am enjoying having a break - achieving while relaxing at the same time!

There is nothing you can do today that can make God love you more
There is nothing you can do today that can make God love you less.
- Phillip Yancey

Crap...

2005-06-10T18:48:00.000+10:00

Adversity is the diamond dust heaven polishes its jewels with. - Robert Leighton

What a great thought! As I reflect back through my journey, I know that it has been the hard and desperate times that have shaped me into who I am today. Quite simply, I would not be the person that I am with the depth of passion, experience and wisdom had it not been for the crap that I have been through.

And there has been crap...

That's not to say that my life has been one long tradgedy, because that is simply not true. Like all of us, I have had my ups and downs. But is it true for me to say that a lot more of my character has been carved out of my response to adversity than by cruising along in the good times. It is only now that I can even to begin to appreciate some oft flung about Bible Passages like

but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that

suffering produces perseverance; perseverance,

character; and character, hope. - Romans 5:3,4

It used to blow my mind when I was younger that anyone would conceive such a notion of being joyful when "crap" was all around you or to believe that anything that anything that made you unhappy was OK in the bigger picture. Now I understand more...

Those tough, agonising times are so intricately woven into the woman that I am and I have great hope today because I can rejoice in and even, dare I say, celebrate where I have come from and the journey that I have been on and even today am still on!

Momentum

2005-06-02T09:52:00.000+10:00

I spend too much time on the computer.

That is a very subjective statement, but one that is apt for me. I know this because the more time I spend on the computer, the harder it is to hget off it and get my head around the long list of other things that need to be done. In other words, I lose my momentum.

I am always impressed at how much I can get done once I start actually doing it - I used to believe that I was lazy, but have since come to the conclusion that it is much more an issue of momentum. I need to ensure that I prioritise my tasks and not get distracted.

I think that lack of momentum was a huge factor in having kids under 5 at home - I just couldn't get any momentum going. As soon as I would start, I would have to stop and attend to the latest need. I am enjoying being able to begin and end things without having to stop and tend to kids.

So, anyway, I am getting OFF the computer now and going about putting some momentum into the rest of my day!

Anonymity

2005-05-31T14:16:00.000+10:00

So I've been blogging for a few weeks now and very much enjoying sitting down and pulling a myriad of thoughts together in some coherant manner.

Seeing as some of the stuff that I am writing is intensly personal (at least to me!) I have gone to great lengths to ensure that I can't be identified from my blog. As much as it irks me to say it, it is true that this is driven by a need (real or perceived) to protect myself from rejection and/or ridicule. Pretty much the same thing...

But see, here's the thing - there seems to be power in anonymity! It's not that I am not being true to who I really am - in fact, I have found a greater freedom to be able to express who I really am! That's the upside to the power, the darker side is that I could conceivably take on a whole alter ego and start living a double life! Not that I am particularly inclined to do this at all, but I have been taken with the thought that it could be done. As I have listened to other people's stories, particularly those who have at least at some point led some sort of a double life, I have often wondered how they got to the point of being OK with the choices that they were making. Well, maybe in this I have found a little window... it is tempting to believe that you could have another life mutually exclusive but running parrallel to the one you have now.

But as I have listened to the stories of my friends, these things NEVER happen in a vacuum. It is a romantic notion driven by Hollywood and the like. The messes that have to be cleaned up after and the ongoing mess of how it has affected you and those aound you convince me that it is sheer stupidity to even entertain the notion! Having said all that, I am still a romantic idealist...

Without the protection of anonymity, I would have not written all I have so far. The benefits are great, it has had a profound impact on how I am living out my life. I am committed above all to maintaining the most precious of treasures - my integrity.

Upside Down

2005-05-25T11:20:00.000+10:00

"If you're not living on the edge, you are taking up too much room" - African Proverb

You know sometimes when you think that you're in the middle of something significant, but you just can't quite put your finger on it?

I wrote in an earlier post that I feared that I had moved away from the edge and started settling into a life of comfort, mediocrity and complacency. Amazingly enough, I think the tide has begun to turn! This past week has been punctuated with seemingly signifcant moments and challenges to change my thinking. Some of my thinking that has been challenged actually require huge paradigm shifts - but I am excited! (As Big Kev would say)

Excited, but at the same time feeling surprisingly calm. Often when I catch excitement like this, I am off and you can't see me for the dust. This is different - I think that one of the things that that is driving this change of pace is my desire to "Be" more than "Do". Previously, I have rushed into working out what something should "Look Like" and then doing it. I am a results driven person not known for great patience and so it really is quite a shift to allow a vision to be fulfilled in who I am instead of what I do. I am willing to bet though that it will have a far more long lasting effect on me and those around me.

I am waffling...hey, I know what I am talking about!

I had the wonderful experience just this week of going into Sydney to hear an inspiring and very challenging speaker talk about the future of the church. Many great insights that turn traditional church thinking on it's head (Where I think it should be!).

But the highlight of the day for me was to walk by myself through Hyde Park (Something that I had often done in my younger years) and be able to celebrate the journey that I have been on. To stand in the exact same place and walk the exact same paths that I had been over 20 years ago (...yes! it has been that long!) and think over all the stuff that has happened in between - where God has brought me from and to was one of those signifcant moments. I am so glad that I did it!

I am really enjoying the process of blogging - I think that this journalling is extremely helpful and also one of those signigicant parts of my journey at the moment.

Good for the Soul

2005-05-19T07:20:00.000+10:00

I guess as I am getting older (and I suppose more mature, wiser and definitely with the benefit of hindight), I am valuing more and more that my soul and 'who I am' is nurtured or neglected/dying on my attitudes and choices. Gee...that sure sounds way too deep for this hour of the day! However, here are some things that I have found to be Good for My Soul

1. Saying Thankyou
For me, at this point in my journey, this is the most vital part of protecting my soul. It has been my experience both personally and by observing the experiences of those around me that complaining about things that we don't have instead of being grateful for what we do have is one of the biggest "Life Robbers" that we have to contend with. Taking the time to thank God and thank those around me whether those I am in significant realtionship with or not. Plus, it's good manners! Being thankful helps me to lift my eyes and see the bigger picture.

2. Standing in the Rain
I don't know what it is, but standing in the rain (Probably not a thunderstorm!) is the one of the most exhillarating and freeing opportunities for detoxing my soul. Maybe it is a symbol of washing ...or whatever! I just know that it works for me.

3. Red Wine & Good Conversation
This pretty much speaks for itself doesn't it? Although I have found over the years (and probably coinciding with raising young children) that I have lost my 'art of conversation' skills. Will definitely have to practise this one more!

4. The Mountains
Getting back to nature is amazingly refreshing for my soul. I think it's the process of retreating from the routine of everyday life and enjoying the fresh air and the solitude. This is my favourite although takes a little more planning and preparation than some of the others.

5. The Arts
Immersing myself in the arts, whether music, visual art or literature touches and inspires my soul immensly. I remember reading once about the way the Christian Church in the Middle Ages employed the arts to communicate it's mesage, particularly visual art and music because it could reach and speak to the soul. It certainly does the trick for me!

6. Affirming Others
The power that we possess to build each other up is 'life giving' to all concerned. I know that when I take the time to affirm those around me, there is something in me that is built up as well. Equally, we have to power to tear other people down and something in us dies as we indulge in gossip, criticism & judgement.

I know that there is more...I'll keep you posted! Writing this has been great, it has focused some thoughts that have been wandering aimlessly around in my head and I am looking forward to being far more intentional in all this!

Does life get any Better...?

2005-05-16T21:34:00.000+10:00

Sorry, couldn't resist it - just had to share it!
My youngest child crawled onto my lap this evening, curled up and said:

"Ahhh...this is this bestest spot in the whole world"

It really is the little things that make it all worthwhile. I am incredibly blessed!

Being vs Doing

2005-05-16T16:22:00.000+10:00

Is what I do more important than who I am? I personally don't believe that, however I find it more and more distressing that so much emphasis is placed on the outward "works" than what is in my heart.

It's my own silly fault really. I allow myself to get caught up in the 'things I should be doing' as dictated by the supposed norms of society. It's not that I don't have a good (or at least a reasonable) grasp of the concept of Boundaries, nor is it that I am particularly driven by what other people think. It just seems so hard to go against the tide of a cultural mindset that just want to see the surface 'works' rather than to take the time to look at the heart.

You see, the thing for me is that by just concentrating on the 'doing', you can develop such a skill that you can be doing all these fantastically wonderful things and yet be morally and ethically corrupt and/or dead. We see it again and again, in the business world, in our nieghbourhoods, in our Churches, in every profession, there are those who have been deceived into believing that it is only what others see you doing that counts.

For me, I am convinced that I need to concentrate on and keep in check the "Who I am" because in the end what I do will always be a reflection of who I am if I am careful to guard my integrity, check my motives and ensure the stuff I allow into my mind and soul will not corrupt them.

I guess that if I get the "Being" right, then the "Doing" will flow so naturally. Which is far less taxing than all the effort than I could spend on trying to convince you that I'm someone I'm not.

I am very sure that this will not be all on this subject during my journey, but enough for now. You know, I just want to be authentic - I will be happy if at my funeral they (whoever they are!) will be celebrating a life of authenticity.

Community

2005-05-15T16:41:00.000+10:00

What an amazingly complex concept. Community! It is such a buzz word these days, particularly in the circles in which I move. But it seems to me that true community is bloody hard work...

I'm an idealist at heart. I can easily catch the vision of what a well functioning community should look like, the only problem comes when you put people into the equation. Funnily enough, community doesn't work without people.

I am told, and it is certainly true for me, that within all of us there is a desire to love and be loved, know and be known, to celebrate and be celebrated. Within my ideal of community, this should all happen and it seems to me that it should happen fairly naturally if, as I am led to believe this is the desire of everyone's heart.

So why is it so hard? Why do I struggle with the tension between the ideal and the reality?

It perhaps comes down to one of the more fundamental questions of life... "Why can't everyone be more like me?" Wouldn't that be so much more simpler?

mmm...maybe not.

Alice, Alice......

2005-05-12T09:33:00.000+10:00

Well, I have just stepped well out of my comfort zone which is the whole aim of starting to blog. I have never been particularly good at keeping a diary and I love the idea of journalling but just have never made it work.

So why am I blogging you may ask? That's an excellent question...
Let me give a little background of the journey that has led me here.

I am a happily married thirtysomething gal with 3 beautiful children. I live in a lovely house in a great neighbourhood. My walk with Jesus is fundamental to my life's journey. I work part time at 2 jobs, go to church, help out at school and run a house. I have some wonderful, precious friends. So what's the problem?

For a couple of months now, I have had the niggling ache of realisation that I am perhaps sliding into what I have called "Middle Class Mediocrity". It is something that equally fills me with horror as it does with comfort. One part of me would just like to do life in comfort, get right away from the "edge", play it safe and accumulate more and more security and equally more and more complacency.

That is so not the way that I want to live though! I feel that I have lost some of my creativity, my wonder, how I express myself. That is why I have started this blog. I have been inspired by a few other friends who blog and have seen many great blogs by people that I don't know but admire greatly. I want to break out of the mould and re-explore some of who God created me to be.

A ship in a harbour is safe, but that's not what ships are built for. -Anonymous